"Love" is a choice, not a feeling
"I instantly fell in love with her/him."
"I don't know what happened, we just have fallen out of love with each other."
Baloney. Both of these statements. Baloney Slices. You know...BS.
"Love". It's getting close to Valentine's Day, and folks are all about this emotion. The trouble is, folks get "emotion" confused with "feeling". And quite simply, neither of them has anything to do with the concept of "love".
Love is a choice. It's a bit like Hate, in that regard.
Wow, slow down, Lar. You're starting to lose me.
OK, let's start with the opposite of love...hate. Where does hate come from? Is it an "emotion"? Is it a "feeling"? I submit to you that "hate" is a byproduct of Anger. And in my opinion, anger is NOT a primary emotion. It is a secondary one. Anger is the way we express OTHER emotions. Fear, sadness, feelings of inadequacy. Anger is never the primary emotion. It is always a byproduct (and a means of expressing) other emotions...ones we are not so good at identifying or expressing verbally. It's that steam-valve that lets us get those other emotions expressed when we don't have the tools to fully express them in other ways. As I see it, "hate" is the place we park our anger, because we are not mature enough to identify the root cause, the root emotion, we are feeling. "Hate" is the weak person's generalization. Hate is exclusionary. Hate is an absolute. There is no gray, there is no middle ground, hate is at the end of the spectrum.
Love is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Where hate is exclusionary, love is inclusive. Hate focuses on the self, love, by definition, focuses outside of the self. And Love is more of a secondary emotion. It is the place we park all of those other emotions, group them into a single thought. Fulfillment, gratitude, thankfulness, safety/security, acceptance...
So when I hear someone tell me "I just don't love him any more", or "We've fallen out of love", I simply want to scream...well, I'm back to the baloney slices again. BS. I want to grab them by the shoulders, get nose-to-nose with them, and firmly remind them that LOVE IS A CHOICE. You have CHOSEN to love or not love. It is an act of the will. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. A person chooses to act in a loving, caring way. Or they choose not to.
Quick slice of my life: For those of you that don't know me well, let me share a little secret. I can be, at times, selfish, uncaring, obstinate, willful, egocentric, and downright not a very nice person. I am blessed with a soulmate, life-partner, best friend, loving spouse who recognizes all of those defects of character, and chooses to love me anyway. She makes that choice on a daily basis. Sometimes hourly, I'm afraid. Because she recognizes the fact that I am a broken vessel, I am an imperfect expression of the perfection that God has created in me. She sees me as God sees me. And she has mastered the art of what I call "3F forgiveness". She forgives with three F's...Freely, Forever, Forgetfully. Just the way God forgives.
Now she could choose NOT to forgive me when I'm a dolt, when I'm unloving. But she doesn't. She LOVES, because she CHOOSES to love. She really really REALLY believes that Christ's love of people is the model, and she tries to live that out.
Now, a little clarity..."love" is NOT the same as "permission". You see, she loves me, the person. She would not condone any of my actions that are sinful. This is "loving the person", not loving the actions or behaviors. There IS a difference. I have dear friends that I love with all my heart. But that doesn't mean I would be supportive of them doing something they shouldn't be doing. So don't get confused on those two points.
I love my wife. With all my heart. I truly would sacrifice my life for hers. This is a decision I made many many years ago. Decision. Act of the will. That is the baseline which defines (or should define) all of my actions and interactions with her. That is the "main thing". And if I keep "the main thing" the main thing, my actions will mirror my decision, which will lead to continually achieving the main thing...which is loving my wife, as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for Her as a willing sacrifice. That wasn't "emotion", my friends. That wasn't "feeling", that was an act of the will. It is an all-consuming, sacrificial, outside-of-self, all-in, hold-nothing-back, jump-from-the-airplane-with-no-parachute kind of act of the will.
Today, I choose to love. I give myself, unreservedly, to my bride. Love is a choice.
Now...go out there and give 'em heaven.
My two cents worth today.
"I don't know what happened, we just have fallen out of love with each other."
Baloney. Both of these statements. Baloney Slices. You know...BS.
"Love". It's getting close to Valentine's Day, and folks are all about this emotion. The trouble is, folks get "emotion" confused with "feeling". And quite simply, neither of them has anything to do with the concept of "love".
Love is a choice. It's a bit like Hate, in that regard.
Wow, slow down, Lar. You're starting to lose me.
OK, let's start with the opposite of love...hate. Where does hate come from? Is it an "emotion"? Is it a "feeling"? I submit to you that "hate" is a byproduct of Anger. And in my opinion, anger is NOT a primary emotion. It is a secondary one. Anger is the way we express OTHER emotions. Fear, sadness, feelings of inadequacy. Anger is never the primary emotion. It is always a byproduct (and a means of expressing) other emotions...ones we are not so good at identifying or expressing verbally. It's that steam-valve that lets us get those other emotions expressed when we don't have the tools to fully express them in other ways. As I see it, "hate" is the place we park our anger, because we are not mature enough to identify the root cause, the root emotion, we are feeling. "Hate" is the weak person's generalization. Hate is exclusionary. Hate is an absolute. There is no gray, there is no middle ground, hate is at the end of the spectrum.
Love is at the opposite end of the spectrum. Where hate is exclusionary, love is inclusive. Hate focuses on the self, love, by definition, focuses outside of the self. And Love is more of a secondary emotion. It is the place we park all of those other emotions, group them into a single thought. Fulfillment, gratitude, thankfulness, safety/security, acceptance...
So when I hear someone tell me "I just don't love him any more", or "We've fallen out of love", I simply want to scream...well, I'm back to the baloney slices again. BS. I want to grab them by the shoulders, get nose-to-nose with them, and firmly remind them that LOVE IS A CHOICE. You have CHOSEN to love or not love. It is an act of the will. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. A person chooses to act in a loving, caring way. Or they choose not to.
Quick slice of my life: For those of you that don't know me well, let me share a little secret. I can be, at times, selfish, uncaring, obstinate, willful, egocentric, and downright not a very nice person. I am blessed with a soulmate, life-partner, best friend, loving spouse who recognizes all of those defects of character, and chooses to love me anyway. She makes that choice on a daily basis. Sometimes hourly, I'm afraid. Because she recognizes the fact that I am a broken vessel, I am an imperfect expression of the perfection that God has created in me. She sees me as God sees me. And she has mastered the art of what I call "3F forgiveness". She forgives with three F's...Freely, Forever, Forgetfully. Just the way God forgives.
Now she could choose NOT to forgive me when I'm a dolt, when I'm unloving. But she doesn't. She LOVES, because she CHOOSES to love. She really really REALLY believes that Christ's love of people is the model, and she tries to live that out.
Now, a little clarity..."love" is NOT the same as "permission". You see, she loves me, the person. She would not condone any of my actions that are sinful. This is "loving the person", not loving the actions or behaviors. There IS a difference. I have dear friends that I love with all my heart. But that doesn't mean I would be supportive of them doing something they shouldn't be doing. So don't get confused on those two points.
I love my wife. With all my heart. I truly would sacrifice my life for hers. This is a decision I made many many years ago. Decision. Act of the will. That is the baseline which defines (or should define) all of my actions and interactions with her. That is the "main thing". And if I keep "the main thing" the main thing, my actions will mirror my decision, which will lead to continually achieving the main thing...which is loving my wife, as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for Her as a willing sacrifice. That wasn't "emotion", my friends. That wasn't "feeling", that was an act of the will. It is an all-consuming, sacrificial, outside-of-self, all-in, hold-nothing-back, jump-from-the-airplane-with-no-parachute kind of act of the will.
Today, I choose to love. I give myself, unreservedly, to my bride. Love is a choice.
Now...go out there and give 'em heaven.
My two cents worth today.
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